So there’s been a joke (that a few of you have heard) that I don’t like the term missionary. As people told me that I should get a blog for this journey, ‘Reluctant Missionary’ was suggested. It’s not a bad term, and it’s not that that I don’t want to be one – it’s that when this word was first used to describe me I had to immediately sit back.
“Me? A missionary? Nooo…”
I grew up in churches where stories of missionaries included jungle imagery and a lifelong commitment to another culture. Some kind of “special” skill set and a clear call saved for “special” people was required. So for me to be called “the first sending missionary” from my church was humbling and didn’t seem appropriate to fit a broken girl like me!
Don’t get me wrong, I am not defined by the fact that I am broken. I have been made whole in Christ and He is making me new every day, just the idea of being used still shocks me. I have a past. I’m selfish. I make a lot of mistakes. I mean I got good grades & I have my good parts, but surely there are better people. More spiritual people. People who fit what I believe a missionary looks like. Surely I’m not good enough yet.
But that’s the beauty of it – that’s how God chose to create things. He doesn’t say “Get it all right, and then I can use you”. He says “Come. I’ve been chasing you, and as soon as you turn around and take a step towards me I will use you – I’ve been waiting to use you”. This blows my mind on a daily basis. He’s been pursuing me all these years, and even as he watched me ignore Him, he still set my life up and turned it all so once I started to listen, I could serve Him.
Along with that, missionaries do not fit in a box. The image I have in my head, that many others have as well – that’s not what “a missionary” is all about or limited to. Our missions pastor actually threw a pretty wise line at me as I shied away from the term being associated with me – “We’re all on mission.” Which is true. I don’t know why ‘being on mission’ is so vastly different than ‘being a missionary’ in my mind. A big part of it is me needing to grasp that I am whole in God, restored by the mediator of Christ, designed to use this average vessel as a part of His plan. Broken people are His plan. Not untouchable missionaries (who would say back that they’re not untouchable or so different from us anyway), Not someone who has lived the perfect life, Not a girl who has turned from everything bad and is now 100% good. His plan is an average sinner who turned to face the God that was chasing her. A girl who took hundreds of small steps to get where she is. A girl who is not good in just herself, but who is following a great God.
So here I am. I also have never been big on blogging, and never seen myself as a blogger – so you could call me the Reluctant Blogger as well. That’s what God does – he takes you places where you never could have imagined yourself.