Can I be honest about 2015?
It has been amazing – because it has been harder than I ever would have imagined. The year rocked what I thought it would be, from my roles to where CPR-3 would go to what would happen (broken ankle?).
But instead of talking about the amazing – let’s talk about the “harder”.
I cannot count how many times I have thought or had a thought that could be linked to the idea, “it’s not fair”.
The neighbors are mad at me, at the whole house, over nothing – over expectations created over our skin color. It’s not fair.
I feel alone, I am hurting, I can’t even get the internet to connect to reach out to someone to comfort me. It’s not fair.
I am sick, again. I am never sick in the States and I seem to get sick at least once a month here – both with the typical (a cold) and the abnormal (typhoid). I moved here for YOU and now I’m always sick and can’t even do the work I’m supposed to. It’s not fair.
I didn’t sign up for the role I’m in, and I’m bad at it, and I’m stressed. It’s not fair.
No one understands me, 10% because of language and 90% because of the Grand Canyon of cultural differences. It’s not fair.*
So let’s talk about today. December 20th, 2015.
Haley is watching Rolensky (TiKris’ son) and TiKris and her cousin Bo walk in and start giggling with us, talking with Rolensky, and just being teenage girls. They’re pet name for Rolensky is ‘Tello.
From the nickname that I gave him when TiKris was still pregnant and I talked to the little boy in her stomach.
Let me tell you, I have not been able to see my favorites – or many people – around the community this year. I have not been over TiKris’ shoulder or constantly seeing Rolensky and calling him Christello. In fact, to respect his actual name, I call him Rolensky…only to have everyone else referring to him as ‘Tello!
TiKris reflected today about how he got the name when I asked her what his dad (who named him) thinks of it, “When I was pregnant with him, you talked to him and he would respond (she laughs here) and translate what he said to us! I tell his dad, that’s where he got the name!”
And she laughs and looks back down at her son with that lit of face of hers, playing with him and talking to him. Sharing a snack with him. Just loving that lil boy.
And I come back down to continue this child sponsorship spreadsheet and I am just overcome with…..God, it is not fair.
It is so unfair.
The scales are tipped and it is SO clearly NOT fair – for You.
I am selfish, I chase comfort like I should chase the lost, I am afraid when I know that there is nothing that can touch me in Your name. I am lazy when You have given me potential and I am quite the slow learner through the opportunities to learn that I instead complain about.
It is so unfair – for my benefit and against His – that I get to be in an ongoing relationship that is deep enough where ‘Tello is the nickname for this lil boy and his big eyes.
The nickname seems like a silly thing to get emotional over, but I can’t explain to you the intimacy and reflection of intertwined lives that it shows to ME. I cannot transfer the experiences of the past three years – from when I saw a preteen stranger that another intern commented was beautiful, to becoming a part of that girl’s family, to seeing ups and downs, to learning she was pregnant and scared, to seeing she was pregnant and happy, to driving in the middle of the night to a hospital that would accept her, to watching her grow as a mom and see her son’s dimple show up whenever she talks to him to now…and so many things being prayed for in between, and a lifetime ahead of us. I cannot communicate it or share what has happened in the details in three years of knowing her. But “‘Tello” reflected all of that to me today and I can’t not share how completely unfair my life is. For Him.
It’s not fair, guys. No candle can be held, no comparison can be made, no weights can handle the vast difference of the favor to me and the unfairness to Him as He sits enthroned in heaven, surrounded by cheribum, Commander of Heaven’s Armies, Prince of Peace, director of the Universe, perfect Father…..who I can make time for, “for the most part”.
I am surrounded by painted walls to make this home and an electric fan that is on – despite the struggles with electricity this entire nation faces. I am able to use both feet on a daily basis. I have two amazing – I mean, you couldn’t hand pick better people – young women that are doing life with me as they participate in Compassion Corp. I have supporters sacrificing for me – for me?! My family is amazing and something to be missed as opposed to run away from. My “family” here has endless patience and teaching for me. I have seen prayers on prayers on prayers answered. This does not even scratch the surface.
It is not fair. And I am so, so thankful. I just might cry typing about how unfair it is.
Not fair at all.
*I want to MAKE SURE to mention that EVERY ONE OF THESE complaints, is not a complaint at all. I am not using today to expound one by one on these examples; but all of them, every one, has been a lesson. Every one has turned to rejoicing. Every one has refined me, taught me, stretched me, grown me. I would not take back one of them. They have taught me joy, perspectives on eternity, perspectives on Christ, perseverance, real values, who to turn to in hardship, contentment, self-control, patience, faith, and so much more. These – all of them – only compound on the idea that it is not fair – in HIS favor. I am a slow to learn child, angry at suffering even though I know it’s good for me. Taking the exam twice because I refuse to face it head on the first time like I know I should. Praying for patience and then wanting it granted like a fairy tale wish as opposed to learning it myself in a process gifted to me through Him. All of these things, every one, has been a portrait of His unfair – in HIS favor – grace and patience and teaching and good parenting towards ME. I am thankful for every one, and I would abhor for this post to lead to you to feel bad for me, think that I am miserable, or focus on what our comfort-oriented Western minds would say is a bad thing.