I feel that I am in the completely wrong place, doing the wrong thing, the wrong way, with what is adding up to be three years of wrong and irreversible mistakes or seasons of selfishness, in the wrong country – a lot.
I just finished reading an e-mail and the feelings tempted the corners of my thoughts,
then flipped over to social media where I follow plenty of people in this beautiful Caribbean nation who seem to be getting it RIGHT. Great life choice. Tempting thoughts from an e-mail intensified to assured emotions that I suck.
If you aren’t floating in missions circles and at conferences talking intentional work, I also happen to live in what ‘everyone’ seems to call the lost cause. Beyond hope. As a republic of NGOs (non-profits), it’d be better if at this point everyone just left and let it be as it’s OVERsaturated. Every bad example of working cross culturally or in a developing area seems to be taken from Haiti. Those comments are not missed, they’ve planted in my memories and always seem to float to the surface at times like this.
There are plenty of people who don’t agree with what I do.
There are plenty of people who are super friendly, wonderful people who do not have a problem with me (that I am aware of)….but who still turn quietly away from me when I have to tell them “no”. They may not have a problem, but they are not being helped either (it feels). What is the point of being here if all I can do is frustrate hopes that built up as people made the trek to knock on the gate and wait to see me today?
Some days I wish I had been more informed of the world and done a completely different track, starting a business that would actually DO something for people knocking on the gate looking for a way to feed the family, pay for a birthday gift, or help with a need.
I confess this because if I don’t, then you may let yours fester.
What was that line again, as the first characters of a beautiful, intense story unfolded in Genesis that would lead up, down, and all around to Revelation? The story that helps define perspective, reality, my purpose – the one that uncovers my own soul to me…a BOOK knows how I function better than I do.
Oh yeah. There it is. As the enemy who hates us – not dislikes, but HATES – slithers up. Full of pride and called the “King of Lies” because he doesn’t flinch or feel guilty like we may – there he goes. To a woman living in the CENTER of her very PURPOSE, intentionally stitched and placed with love and care – thriving where she is.
“Are you sure that’s what He said?”
That’s how he breaks into the scene – the first recorded temptation. It seemed completely realistic at the time, and he put up a good argument. We paint Eve as stupid sometimes, falling so quickly. Really? Was she?
My confession is not a confession of failure – it is a confession of FEELING like one.
Boil it down and there that serpent sits again, trying to be high and mighty (which is ironic since the serpent has been cut down to no legs…..just sayin), “Are you sure He said here, Haiti, and YOU?”.
That’s what’s going on here.
I do not question the people I am surrounded by. My team with Breathe is amazing – more than I could ask for.
I do not question the way that I got here – a “yes” to Him.
I do not question that I stayed and committed as a staff member – it was God motivated, not Steph motivated.
I do not question the fruit that I have seen, or the fact that I am not a superhuman who can help everyone in every need outside of where I see fruit.
I do not question my model – and as Piper put it so perfectly, “Jesus loved all people well. And many did not like the way he loved them.” (If I am not Jesus…..we know I can barely love well if at all….so not having many fans makes sense)
I do not question that my passions, desires, processing, and history matches up SO WELL with where I am.
I do not question the NAMES, the REAL PEOPLE around me, and their value to Him. The ones that I do not SAVE – but that I sit around with on a Monday morning making jokes with.
Y’all. When you feel it – and I kind of hope you do, because it means you are actually DOING something and then wrestling with the real emotions that come with it – do not let it win.
Emotions do NOT get to call the shots. Lies that have been on repeat since a few days after the creation of man do NOT get to go un-examined – they are getting thrown out. Comparison? What in the world am I giving it time for. “They are killing it and I am not – plus they look cuter doing it with those outfits” is an alarm to close the tab and talk to God about how he purposed STEPHANIE, in HER lane. When I can get my forgetful self back in check, THEN I can use networking to LEARN from others or ENCOURAGE them while being drunk on the Spirit. Otherwise…..why you lookin’ at them, girl?
You know what fasting is about? The HEART of it?
Getting that stubborn self of yours in CHECK. NO, you can’t have it just cause you want it – that is a complete lack of self control and purpose! Flesh does NOT get to call the shots – flesh won’t even get to BE around when we’re chillin’ in the new earth & heaven, the home being built for us right now.
and then there is Truth.
Truth reigns, y’all.